Resume

This blog was about my life’s experiences and what I have learned with it.
Never meant to talk about how my disease affects my life everyday, but to share with those who could visit this blog, my perception of the world.
Now I’m not so sure it was worth it, I feel I’ve been talking to nobody since I don’t seem to have any feedback on any of the issues I expressed here.
There for, I think it is time to terminate my contribution to the world by sharing my thoughts and life.
Like I said my first and last contribution to the world and I don’t think it matters if I share it or not, so this is goodbye to the empty world of blogging.
Some are given the gift of speech, others don’t. Never the less it was very interesting to explore and to expose myself and still feel that at the end means nothing to anyone but me.
So to this entire empty virtual world I say goodbye and wish all the best for those who can connect and interact with their visitors.

Mortality

Yep, 41 and already feel it close by…
I guess I lived most of my life and from now on it’s bonus time!!! LOL
Anything can happen, I never thought of it so much as now, not that I do it every day but still, is here.
It does make me think how I want to live my life from now on.

I do take life seriously in a sense that it’s too precious to be wasted, I have to live it all to feel it and never turn my back to it’s challenges…
Never the less death is one challenge that I’m not sure I can do it right, dying? God, will I be good at that? Will I be able to accept it when it knocks on my door?
It does remind me of Blade runner (movie) we are born with an expiring date we don’t know how long we are going to be around well or live a “safe” life or have good health…
Maybe I shouldn’t care so much about closing my eyes and leave the stage of life, maybe reminding how much I love living should be what I should focus on, still what an enigma it is dying…
The thing that does cracks my mind over the years is all the loved ones I lost. It’s the void they leave behind as if they were never here at all! They left sons and daughters and yet it's as if they have never lived, they just vanished they don’t exist anymore and I miss them…
Not fair, but sometimes I ask if this was not a dream and they were never here, how could they die? Another thing we don’t get prepared for is death, and for me it’s still something that bothers me because I too have to do it one day and I wish I didn’t because I don’t want to vanished and to be forgotten out of this world too. Sad but still something I haven’t found the best way to deal with. Losing my body, and being someone that disappears "forever".

There is only one good, knowledge, and one evil, ignorance.

(Socrates)

Fear

Yes someone said, and well, "The only thing we should fear is fear itself”.
We do learn at a very young age to feel it in many different situations and levels, but most of us never were taught how to respond or when to ignore it.
It’s good to question everything we let in our mind because if we don’t filter them it can own us like this one…
Fear can control the masses, can make you stay in a job that you hate, in a marriage that harms you and prevents you to move on...
But what is it and why we respect it so much even when our life doesn’t depend on it?
Fear can be a symptom of change, an unknown path we are not sure we can make it through.
The way I see it I think we have it in our DNA as well as a sign of survival but these days we take it that way too many times when it’s not. It can create a pattern in the way we function and see the world, making us live in a shell avoiding life because we lost the courage to face it and believing in our capacity to overcome new challenges.
What is the worse that can happen? I see it everyday, even people fighting for their lives never giving up, not to fear, and they manage to made it! At least we can try…
Even when we feel insecure we shouldn’t give up on ourselves, what else do we have? Fight it, being rational and not being mere puppets of our feelings is key to a better free life, without it, its chaos and hell, so we do have a choice…

I never talked about being bipolar and maybe today is that day…

I’m so used to be alone with it most of my life I don’t think I can talk about it openly because it would be like a very painful surgery to separate myself from it and to show it to the public. Like taking an organ from your body in cold blood and say: Hey this is the tumor that keeps messing with my life and don’t have any mercy when drives me into hell so many times…
I have been in so many different hells and so deep ones it’s impossible to say which one was worse or hard to get out of so …
One thing I never stopped doing, was knowing myself and learning as much as I could about all that was going on with me over the years until I found out I was most likely bipolar, which officially am now that I have the diagnose and the treatment.
Still I’ve done a great and titanic job in finding out my true self and what was not in my nature…
I always thought I could explain all symptoms with my life’s “tragedies” but it was the way I was responding to them that got my attention and even though there isn’t such a thing as “normal” to compare, I knew something else was happing inside my brain beyond my control, until I found it.
I think I’m still having a hard time dealing with the fact that I’m bipolar because it means I depend on meds to be stable and I don’t own my brain 100% as I thought I did, so yes not easy to deal or to accept.
No matter who we are and which is our truth, we need to find it soon enough to own our life and what we can control of it in order to be happy and complete, hiding should not be an option…
All my life, since I can remember, I always had a sense of who I was and most of my life I protect it so I would never be lost or “alone”.
I still think no matter how hard the obstacles are or how desperate we feel, we need to find help and the strength to overcome and to get our life back because we have an expiring date so life will always be too short to be wasted.
Live the best that you can while you can that’s what I say, and look at what you have not what you don’t, even if it’s not easy to do…

Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous.

(Confucius)

Working on ourselves

Complaining about how life turned, after all we do “forget” to do lots of “home work” in ourselves.
It’s too difficult and it takes too long to do that so why bother…?
Well why complaining then? How can we be happy and understand why things happen if we don’t want to care about the why’s and the how’s…
It’s something that needs our attention everyday, but than again we needing our attention is boring or too difficult?! God, we do have too much distractions in life to avoid what’s really important, our learning, evolving as an individual to have power and the knowledge about ourselves and by that I mean not being controlled by society or by the media when it comes to the way we think and our life style. We need to be in control of our life and our mind in order to be free, to really know what we want and not have to respond all the solicitations of those who get rich or get more power with our invisible prisons we let being build since we start to pay more attention to them and less to who we really are.
We all belong to this world, but for many reasons we find ourselves in a world that asks us to be the same and to think alike not giving any value to those who dare to say no to that rule…
We find ourselves in a world that does not want to see us as we are because it would be consider a “threat” to control the masses (us) and that is not allowed, so yes we live in a matrix that controls us and being lazy or self careless are the rules to be successful and accepted, so be it , my advice is: Don’t complain about not being happy or living in an insane world when you are the 1st defending it’s rules and this “society”. When we want to be happy we make it happen, we don’t let anything get in our way, to live free and accept ourselves as we are, not as we were molded to be good citizens and be unhappy ever after to “keep the balance” of this asylum.
We all know the difference, and every time we choose to follow what is asked of us we should know all we are doing to keep it this way and never get our freedom back.
There is a movie I will recommend next week about this and how much we still are slaves of “invisible” masters and invisible chains.
I always wanted to meet the faces of those who made all this possible through the centuries and made humans a species in danger of being erased from this earth and not caring about their freedom or the power they have about their lives to serve those who need to feed on all of us.

How beautiful you are, now that you love me.

(Marlene Dietrich)